(ParodyLaw.com)
By Erik J. Heels and Rick Klau
First published 04/01/2000; RedStreet.com; publisher: GiantPeople.
WASHINGTON, DC, April 1, 2000 (AP) — President Bill Clinton today announced that he is planning to launch his own e-commerce website and is planning to fund the venture with an IPO scheduled for November 7, 2000, election day.
“I was inspired by sites such as http://www.whitehouse.com,” said Clinton, “and I want to participate more directly in the Internet revolution. With my legal career almost certainly over after I leave office, this seemed like the most natural choice.”
The as-yet-unnamed project is scheduled for limited beta in late summer, according to an employee. “We hope to have the new site ready for review in time for the convention,” she explained. “It’s the biggest party the Democrats will have all year, and we see the President’s new venture as an obvious way to capitalize on that.” Although representatives were vague on details, it appears that at least part of the venture will include for-pay access to webcams following popular politicians.
When asked about rumors that the IPO is being used to fund the campaigns of his wife and the Vice President, Clinton stated that “it would be wrong to deny the father of the Internet an opportunity to share in the proceeds of this IPO.” Furthermore, Clinton announced that his wife Hillary would be a “silent partner” in the venture and would enjoy all of the benefits of the IPO “with none of the accountability of actually running the company.”
While the Clintons had no comment on how the proceeds would be used in Hillary Clinton’s Senate campaign in New York, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani wasted no time in reacting. “This is exactly the kind of behavior we’ve come to expect from these two,” said Giuliani. “I wasted countless taxpayer dollars ridding exactly this kind of thing from Times Square, and now they want to bring it back?!”
George W. Bush, fresh from raising $19 million at a bake sale fundraiser at a Wisconsin elementary school, questioned the Vice President’s role in the venture. “I’m deeply troubled that Vice President Gore would be involved in such a disreputable situation,” said Bush. “A Compassionate Conservative(tm) would never participate in this.”
At least one analyst at Jupiter Communications believes that Clinton could be on to something. “Let’s face it, the Starr Report was just the beginning. People all over the country showed they want to know what our politicians are doing, and all Starr could provide was text! Just imagine what people would pay to watch!” Jupiter has already released a preliminary report that pegs Clinton’s company’s value in the “low to mid twelve figures” – more than the combined value of AOL (Nasdaq: AOL), Yahoo (Nasdaq: YHOO), and Amazon.com (Nasdaq: AMZN). A full copy of the three page report can be downloaded from Jupiter’s website at http://www.jup.com for $250,000.
After an exhaustive search, Clinton indicated that he has retained the high-powered law firm of Russell & Tate (http://www.russelltate.com) for the initial public offering and other SEC-related matters. “I was impressed with Russell & Tate’s experience in last year’s Visa/Internet deal,” explained Clinton. Neither Russell nor Tate could be reached for comment.
ABOUT BILL CLINTON
Elected the 42nd president of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton is an Arkansas native and former Arkansas Governor. The S-1 filed with the SEC indicates that Clinton’s company will trade on the NASDAQ under the symbol “SLIK.”
For more information, reporters may contact:
Tate Witherspoon, Esq.
Russell & Tate
http://www.russelltate.com
FORWARD-LOOKING STATEMENTS
Except for the historical information contained herein, certain matters set forth in this press release concerning Bill Clinton are forward-looking statements within the meaning of the “safe harbor” provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. These forward-looking statements are subject to risks and uncertainties, including but not limited to fluctuations in operating results, additional capital requirements, the outcome of the election, and the fact that this entire release is an April Fools’ joke. Readers are also encouraged to refer to Bill Clinton’s reports that are from time to time filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission, including the Company’s Current Annual Report on Form 10-K, for a further discussion of Bill Clinton’s business and risk factors that may affect operating and financial results.
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